[orp] Spring Cleaning Udgar

It was spring time and Malan was taking a rest after spring cleaning her whole house. She liked the feeling of everything being spotlessly clean. She walked outside to smell the pretty spring flowers. She closed her eyes, aah, how lovely. Then her nose wrinkled in disgust. A horrible smell was wafting her way spoiling her lovely morning . She opened her eyes. There was Udgar. He was walking upwind of her and he reeked of unmentionable things.

'This won't do.' said Malan to herself. 'It is spring and even Udgar must have a bath or he will make the flowers go back into the ground from fright'.
She marched up to Udgar and said in her best teacher's voice, 'Udgar you need to take a bath NOW.'
But when Udgar heard the b-word he immediately started backing away and moaning. He was obviously terrified of taking a bath. Malan sighed, she could not expect Udgar to take a bath by himself. She would have to trick him into it.

She walked back to her home thinking hard . She went to borrow some tools including a shovel, an old bathtub, a bucket, some scrubbing brushes and towels and lots of soap. Then she set to work. She dug a long deep hole and put the bathtub in it. The top of the bathtub was now the same height as the ground. She stuck the scrubbing brushes along the sides of the bath. She filled the bath with lots of warm water and perfumed soap. She covered the hole and the tub with a brown towel. Then she went to find Udgar.

She found him near the town restaurant looking for some food. She was prepared. She held up a packet of sweeties. 'Udgar come and get the sweets.' she called. Of course Udgar got very excited and started walking towards the sweets. She led him to the bathtub, walked around it and stopped so Udgar would have to walk over the towel to get to the sweets. Udgar was not looking where he was going. He only had eyes for the sweets. He walked straight towards her and fell right into the bathtub. Of course Udgar tried to get out of the bath, but while he was trying to get out of the bath he was splashing around and rubbing up against the scrubbing brushes. He started to become clean - well, cleaner than before. Finally he made it out of the bath.

He looked forlorn. Malan was sorry she had to trick him into a bath but she knew it was for his own good. She gave him the sweets and said, 'Good Udgar, now try to stay clean for a little while.' Then Malan set to work putting away the tub and filling in the hole - she did not want anyone to fall into it. When she finished she turned around only to see . . . Udgar was sitting in a big puddle of mud eating his sweets.

Malan could not help it. She started to laugh. 'Oh Udgar,' she said, 'I should have known this would happen. Guess we'll just have to try again tomorrow.'

OOC: Do you have an idea for washing Udgar? Post it here.

Miss Malan knew she would have to think of another plan to get Udgar clean. It bothered her so much that she couldn't sleep at night just from thinking about the dirt on Udgar. Then one night, while she was lying awake again for the third night in a row she had an idea. She didn't know if it would work, but she had to give it a try. The next day she set to work.
She went to see some craftsmen in town to get some ordinary buckets, a bucket with small holes in the bottom and some rope. She got some very funny looks when she asked for a bucket with holes in the bottom, but she knew what she was doing. Then she borrowed a ladder and spent the morning experimenting with weights, pulleys and ropes.

She found the perfect spot to set up her contraption. There was an old tool shed near the town ranch. It had a projecting arch where the back door used to be (it was bricked up now) and there was a stone pathway around it. Malan filled four buckets with warm water. Two buckets had soapy water and two buckets had clean water. She hung the bucket with holes in it under the arch. Then she tied the other buckets in a special way. They were carefully balanced so she could tip each one into the holey bucket by pulling a rope. Then she went to find Udgar.

'Udgar' she said when she found him, 'do you want to see a magic trick?' Udgar wasn't sure what a magic trick was but he was hoping there was food involved so he followed her. When they came to the tool shed she said, 'Now Udgar, I am going to make it rain even though it is a sunny day. Stand here and close your eyes. What do you have to do Udgar? No, not pick your nose. Close your eyes.'
Eventually she got Udgar to stand under the arch with his eyes closed.
'Ready?' she said, 'abracadabra!'
She pulled the first rope and the soapy water poured down onto Udgar. Of course he was very surprised, but luckily he was too surprised to move quickly so she was able to douse him with more soapy water and clean water to rinse him off. Udgar thought she was doing magic so he didn't get upset. She was quite pleased when she finished, he wasn't perfectly clean but it was pretty good for Udgar. She gave him some sweets and took down the buckets.
However, when she turned around, to her horror she saw Udgar following Porker the swine herd. Porker was mucking out the pigpen and he was loading the pig muck onto a wheelbarrow to take a away. Can you guess what happened next? Of course you can. Udgar tripped and fell over his own feet into the pig muck. Malan could only stare helplessly at the mess. 'Oh no Udgar', she cried, 'now you're even dirtier than before. What are we going to do now?'

@Lord Arogandor
Begging your lordship's pardon sir, but I think poor Udgar has been beaten so many times he no longer cares what he is beaten for. But with your lordship's permission I'd still like to try and get him a bit cleaner. Thank your sir.

Miss Malan knew she had to think of another way to get Udgar clean. She had tried and failed two times but she was a very stubborn lady so she did not give up. 'Third time's a charm.' she said to herself.

This time she decided that a little magic wouldn't hurt. So she went along to the best potion store in town. She had saved up her money so she had just enough to buy a very strong sleeping potion. Then she went straight to the town restaurant, she knew that Udgar would probably be there. And he was. Sticking his dirty fingers in the food, sneezing over the pots and drooling on the plates. Malan shuddered a bit. She did not want to think about the germs going into the food. She called Udgar.

'Udgar come here. Come here right now Udgar. Here Udgar, not there.'
Eventually Udgar lumbered over.
'Follow me Udgar and if you do as I say I will make you some boiled eggs.'
Miss Malan knew that eggs were Udgar's favorite food. Udgar followed her all the way to the freshly cleaned bath house. The bath did not have any water in it yet so Udgar did not suspect anything. She told Udgar to sit on the edge of the bath. Then she gave him the sleeping potion. It still had the label on but that didn't matter because Udgar couldn't read.
'Drink it all up,' she said, 'and then you can have your eggs.' Udgar drank the potion to the last drop and would have eaten the bottle too if Miss Malan had not stopped him. After a few minutes his eyes began to close and his head began to nod. To help him along Miss Malan sang a little lullaby. It worked. Udgar was soon so fast asleep that he did not even wake up when he slipped backwards into the bath tub. Miss Malan had to put in ear plugs because his snoring was so loud, but she did not mind that if she could get Udgar clean.

Miss Malan made sure that Udgar's head was propped up on some stones so that he would not drown. Then she filled the bath with very hot water and some disinfectant. She put on big rubber gloves and a rubber apron. Then she took a big scrubbing brush and got to work. She scrubbed every inch of Udgar. She scrubbed and scrubbed till she thought she might turn into a scrubbing brush herself. All the time Udgar snored on.

When she could scrub no more she looked down and saw that the water was black with dirt. She drained the water out on to the swamp land where a bit more mud and dirt wouldn't matter. Then she filled the tub up again, this time she used warm water with scented soap. She scrubbed Udgar again, but with a bath sponge this time, not a brush. She even shampooed his hair and brushed his teeth. Udgar kept on snoring. She drained and filled the bath again for the last time, this time with clean water to rinse him off.

Then she lit a fire in the fireplace and started drying Udgar off with some old towels (she didn't want to ruin new towels on Udgar). By this time she was feeling very tired but she still managed to comb his hair and button up his shirt.

'Well,' she said looking at her handiwork, 'he's still no George Clooney but he'll do for now. At least he's clean even if he's still ugly. Won't Lord Arogandor be pleased.

Miss Malan knew it would be very difficult keep Udgar clean once he left the bathroom but she had a plan. She had put little wheels on the bottom of the tub before she started and now all she had to do was push the bath tub over to Lord Arogandor's office and then it would be his problem. It took a long time because Udgar was very heavy. Half way there Udgar woke up. He did not even realize he had been given a bath. There was only one thought in his head ... eggs!

Fortunately Miss Malan was prepared for this. She had some boiled eggs in her pocket which she gave to Udgar to keep him quiet. She had promised him eggs after all. But Udgar did not just eat the eggs. Before she could even start pushing the tub again Udgar had smeared egg all over his face and body. Udgar thought this was so funny that he jumped out of the tub and rolled around on the ground laughing. Of course he landed in dog unmentionables at once.

Miss Malan was not laughing. Not one little bit. 'Stop Udgar stop! She yelled, but of course it was no good. All her hard work was gone in two minutes. Udgar just would not stay clean.