Joke of the Day.

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Wed Jan 11, 2012 4:49 am

A young man is trying out his new sports car on a quiet country lane. There's no traffic about so he risks taking it up to 70 mph, then 80, and then 90. He turns a corner and sees two farmers standing in the middle of the road chatting. The man wrenches the wheel sideways, the car shoots up an embankment, flies into the air, and crashes in the middle of an adjacent field. One of the farmers turns to the other and says, "That was lucky. I reckon we got out of that field in the nick 'o time."

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Airy on Wed Jan 11, 2012 5:04 am

LOL

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Thu Jan 12, 2012 4:43 am

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left leg and left arm in a car accident? He's all right now.

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Malan on Thu Jan 12, 2012 4:13 pm

Q: What was engraved on the hypochondriac's gravestone?
A: I told you so!
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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Sat Jan 28, 2012 8:48 am

Did you hear about the man who fell into the lens grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Brown on Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:14 pm

Why did the Chicken Cross the road?

To get to your house!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?

The chicken....
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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Wed Feb 08, 2012 9:34 am

Two accountants are in a bar when armed robbers burst in. The robbers line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watchers, etc. The first accountant slips something into the second accountant's hand and whispers, "Here's that $50 I owe you."

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Tue Feb 14, 2012 9:51 am

A leopard kept trying to escape from a zoo but it was no good. he was always spotted.

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Lord Arogandor on Fri Feb 17, 2012 6:21 pm

A man comes into a tavern, complaining about his wife spending so much money. He is looking for a way to get rid of her when another man advices him to buy her a mini-car. Because they are so unsafe and dangerous that the wife will have a fatal accident within a week.

The man buys his wife a such a mini-car.

After 4 weeks the man returns to the tavern, whining about the fact that his wife is still alive and is spending even more money, because she has a lovely car to drive around.

The other man suggests now to buy her a Jaguar. After a few beers the man gets convinced again and buys a Jaguar for his wife.

A week later the man returns to the tavern with a big smile:

"The idea to buy a Jaguar was just perfect! It didn't take more then an hour before she was completely eaten!"

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Sat Feb 18, 2012 11:26 am

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?' 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked. 'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.' The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked. 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.' 'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog. 'There should be a bowl by the pump,' said the man. They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked. 'This is Heaven,' he answered. 'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said.
'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.' 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell.' 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Mon Feb 20, 2012 12:51 pm

A boxer goes to a doctor complaining of insomnia. "Have you tried counting sheep?" asks the doctor. "It doesn't work," replies the boxes. "Every time I get to nine, I stand up."

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Thu Mar 08, 2012 6:23 am

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson go camping. Some time in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says, "I see millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth, there might also be life. Homes replies, "No, Watson, the correct deduction is that somebody has stolen our tent!"<br>

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Tue Jun 12, 2012 7:16 am

A dead english lord and his dead butler run into each other in hell. "My lord," the butler exclaims. "What are you doing here?" The lord sighs, "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?" The butler replies, "For fathering your playboy son."

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Magdalena on Fri Oct 17, 2014 11:24 pm

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell." This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.

So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said

"I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven." Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it." So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"

She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!" They were shocked and asked why. "Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Araxia on Tue Apr 12, 2016 9:59 am

Q: How is Ducktape like the Force?
A: It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds the galaxy together 

Okay okay.. t'was not so funny..... 


Q: What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber? 
A: A Sith-Kabob! 

Laughing Laughing Laughing Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes Laughing Laughing Laughing 

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinise restaurant and Luke's having trouble. Finally, Obi-Wan says, "Use the forks, Luke.
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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Araxia on Mon Apr 18, 2016 1:37 pm

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Lord Arogandor on Tue Apr 19, 2016 3:26 pm

:LOL1:

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Araxia on Tue Apr 19, 2016 11:28 pm

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending


Laughing
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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Araxia on Fri Apr 22, 2016 1:52 pm

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Lord Arogandor on Sat Apr 23, 2016 5:44 pm

How can you know if Lady Gaga died?












Poke her face!

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Mena32 on Sat Apr 23, 2016 8:15 pm

:aloof: thats terrible aro terrible!

a termite walks into a bar and asks is the bartender here cheers

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Araxia on Tue Apr 26, 2016 11:51 pm

How do you make a Kleenex dance? 


What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face What a Face


Put a little boogie in it!

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Araxia on Fri Apr 29, 2016 9:54 am

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing


Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish

Razz Razz Razz Razz Razz Razz Razz Razz Razz Razz


Why can't Irishmen ever be attorneys?
They can never make it past the bar!

Surprised Surprised Surprised Surprised Surprised Surprised Surprised Surprised Surprised Surprised
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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Araxia on Wed May 11, 2016 2:53 pm

*needs a laugh while she recovers all alone in the hospital bed*


It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Lord Arogandor on Wed May 11, 2016 3:21 pm

:LOL1: :LOL1: :LOL1: :LOL1: :LOL1:

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Araxia on Fri Dec 16, 2016 11:03 am

Cold Winter 


The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
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Re: Joke of the Day.

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