Joke of the Day.

A young man is trying out his new sports car on a quiet country lane. There's no traffic about so he risks taking it up to 70 mph, then 80, and then 90. He turns a corner and sees two farmers standing in the middle of the road chatting. The man wrenches the wheel sideways, the car shoots up an embankment, flies into the air, and crashes in the middle of an adjacent field. One of the farmers turns to the other and says, "That was lucky. I reckon we got out of that field in the nick 'o time."

LOL

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left leg and left arm in a car accident? He's all right now.

Q: What was engraved on the hypochondriac's gravestone?
A: I told you so!

Did you hear about the man who fell into the lens grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.

Why did the Chicken Cross the road?

To get to your house!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?

The chicken....

Two accountants are in a bar when armed robbers burst in. The robbers line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watchers, etc. The first accountant slips something into the second accountant's hand and whispers, "Here's that $50 I owe you."

A leopard kept trying to escape from a zoo but it was no good. he was always spotted.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?' 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked. 'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.' The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked. 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.' 'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog. 'There should be a bowl by the pump,' said the man. They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked. 'This is Heaven,' he answered. 'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said.
'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.' 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell.' 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

A boxer goes to a doctor complaining of insomnia. "Have you tried counting sheep?" asks the doctor. "It doesn't work," replies the boxes. "Every time I get to nine, I stand up."

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson go camping. Some time in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says, "I see millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth, there might also be life. Homes replies, "No, Watson, the correct deduction is that somebody has stolen our tent!"<br>

A dead english lord and his dead butler run into each other in hell. "My lord," the butler exclaims. "What are you doing here?" The lord sighs, "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?" The butler replies, "For fathering your playboy son."

Q: How is Ducktape like the Force?
A: It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds the galaxy together 

Okay okay.. t'was not so funny..... 


Q: What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber? 
A: A Sith-Kabob! 

 

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinise restaurant and Luke's having trouble. Finally, Obi-Wan says, "Use the forks, Luke.

 thats terrible aro terrible!

a termite walks into a bar and asks is the bartender here

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.




Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys?
Because he was shellfish




Why can't Irishmen ever be attorneys?
They can never make it past the bar!

*needs a laugh while she recovers all alone in the hospital bed*


It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Cold Winter 


The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"