Joke of the Day.

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Joke of the Day.

Post by Airy on Sat Oct 30, 2010 6:53 am

Let the Jokes begin cheers

Crossing The River :
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "Lord, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! Lord gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "Lord, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! Lord gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "Lord, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Ceridwen on Sat Oct 30, 2010 7:33 pm

A Love Story

I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and control you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu
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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Mon Nov 01, 2010 7:36 am

A guy was taking his dog for a walk.

He said "Heel!" to the dog when it started to wander off.

The dog looked him right in the face and said "It takes one to know one buddy!".

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 12, 2010 1:49 pm

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Sun Nov 14, 2010 10:11 am

Scientists in California have recently completed a study that proves size does not matter. A woman can be completely satisfied with only 3.25 inches!










....and it doesn't even matter if it is MasterCard or Visa

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Sun Nov 21, 2010 4:36 pm

Two men are walking through the forest together one day, when they hear a noise and stop. Looking around they see nothing,when suddenly from around a tree comes a huge bear!

STanding very still, the first mans ays "There is no way we can outrun that bear. What are we gonna do?!"

To which the second man replies "I don't have tooutrun the bear. I just need to outrun you".

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 24, 2010 9:28 am

Brother: "Did you put the cat out?"

Sister: "Why, was it on fire?"

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Sun Nov 28, 2010 3:38 am

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Mon Nov 29, 2010 2:54 am

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Thu Dec 02, 2010 3:18 am

Thanks to Maria the friendly fairy for this one:

there was this old couple celebrating their 60th anniversary
maria: and a little fairy appears and grants them each a wish ...
maria: and the woman says... I wish that my husband and I were on a romantic cruise...
maria: and POOF!!!!
maria: they're on the deck of a lavish ship, under the light of a full moon
maria: then the fairy turns to the man...
maria: and he says....
maria: honey, you know i love you more than the world, but my wish is a little different
maria: I'm happy to be here on this cruise... but I wish I were here with someone 20 years younger
maria: and POOF!!!!
maria: he became 100
maria: remember... fairies are women too 👅

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Wed Dec 15, 2010 1:19 am

RK

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Airy on Wed Dec 15, 2010 1:39 am

LOL for all of them...but the last one...classic Wink

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Sun Jan 09, 2011 5:42 pm

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Mon Jan 24, 2011 5:10 am

The farmer has a sick ram so he asks the vet to come and look at him. The vet says, “There’s nothing physically wrong with the ram, he just seems to be depressed.” The farmer replies, “I noticed that, so I’ve been piping music into his pen to cheer him up.” “What kind of music,” asks the vet? “Oh just some old favorites, like 'There Will Never Be Another You.'"

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Thu May 19, 2011 6:31 pm

Why did Blackbeard cross the road?

To get to the second-hand shop!

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by TheHeirtotheThrone on Sun Oct 16, 2011 4:29 am

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by TheHeirtotheThrone on Sun Oct 16, 2011 4:30 am

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by TheHeirtotheThrone on Sun Oct 16, 2011 4:32 am

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Mon Oct 17, 2011 12:09 pm

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Sat Dec 10, 2011 8:29 am

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Airy on Sun Dec 11, 2011 6:42 am

LOL to all of them.. Laughing Laughing

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Fri Jan 06, 2012 6:22 pm

A man goes into a pub and admires the stuffed lion's head mounted above the bar. "What a great trophy," says the man to the barman. "I wouldn't call it great," replies the barman. "That damn lion killed my wfie." "My god," days the man, "were you on safari?""No," replies the barman. "It fell on her head."

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Mon Jan 09, 2012 4:02 am

A contractor is laying carpet in an old lady's home. When he's finished he looks around for his pack of cigarettes but as he does so he notices a lump in the middle of the carpet. "Damn it," he says to himself, "I must have dropped my cigarettes on the floor and carpeted over them. I know, I'll whack the pack with my hammer and flatten it out." So he gets out his hammer and beats the bump flat. Just at that moment the old lady walks in with his cigarettes in her hand. "Here," she says, "You must have left these in the kitchen. Now if only I could find my pet gerbil..."


Last edited by Brian on Wed Jan 11, 2012 4:33 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Malan on Mon Jan 09, 2012 1:58 pm

Laughing lol
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Re: Joke of the Day.

Post by Guest on Wed Jan 11, 2012 4:49 am

A young man is trying out his new sports car on a quiet country lane. There's no traffic about so he risks taking it up to 70 mph, then 80, and then 90. He turns a corner and sees two farmers standing in the middle of the road chatting. The man wrenches the wheel sideways, the car shoots up an embankment, flies into the air, and crashes in the middle of an adjacent field. One of the farmers turns to the other and says, "That was lucky. I reckon we got out of that field in the nick 'o time."

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Re: Joke of the Day.

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